Just a little perspective.

AnXiety-

You X the spot where I don’t want to be.

Even in the light, you sneak around it and make it impossible to feel safe and in the worst of situations, you completely cover it up like it never existed. Anxiety is very sneaky and I know it is coming. I am its prey.

The irony is how my insta-happy photographs do not capture everything. During one of recent joyful trips, I experienced a panic attack that left me wiping away tears, while I was hiding in the bathroom to protect others from seeing me so defenseless.

Stigma sarcastically insinuates how anxiety doesn’t have validity because we have all been through something tough and most people get over it, so anxiety launches grenades and asks,

“Why can’t you just get over it?”

“Why do you constantly act the victim?”

“Don’t you know this is your fault?”

There are moments when I can’t remember basic things and the reality is that anxiety is
wrestling for my attention because I feel mentally exhausted; there are times when it is difficult to bounce back but I am fighting trauma dating back to the day I was born.

There are instances where I check, double-check and tripple-check electric outlets just to make sure nothing bad is going to happen and then I get into my car, only to go back inside and check one more time. Anxiety just sits back and has a good laugh.

I literally have moments where I just hate the way I am feeling and I have to push through because someone is counting on me and I cannot give up or tag out or quit. I just take a deep breadth and exhale all the chaos trying to make me to lose my sh*t.

Anxiety has this way of speaking bold-face lies and sabotaging potential – potential of a job, relationship, friendship, opportunity and/or possibility. People who judge me need to reevalute their hearts, but for the people who love me, thank you for never giving up on me.

And anxiety has cruel intentions. It tries to convince me that because I failed once, I must be a permanent failure. It constantly presses me into a corner of a boxing ring that I cannot be ejected. Anxiety forces me to box my way out, but I manage to only relocate to the middle of the ring, which imagine, is not more safe at all. No matter where I stand in the ring, a fight is a fight is a fight. Arms up. Defenses raised. Heart dismantling again. Prepared to be defensive, it is hard to believe what life could be like without anxiety. Where is the peace? Where can I find a white flag?

Let me say it another way.

Anxiety has triggers. It happens to you without your permission.  You strive for constant composure and togetherness but at times it feels like everything is falling apart. It takes resilience to decide not to let self-doubt sabotage any potential of success. It takes hope to break through fear and anxiety, but over time, it can distintegrate your confidence and exhume the past. It mercilessly takes every bad decision and every lesson learned and turns it into one hell of a mental parade of ache and agony that needs deflated. I have to choose to let it go and preserve my energy.

Some may say that anxiety is all in your head and that you simply have to renew your mind, but anxiety can be a mental shredder that takes positivity and destroys it with a tsunami of dis-belief that literally reinstates untruths.

It’s not fair how a simple thing can become a very complicated something while making you feel like nothing.

This is anxiety. It kicks you in the shin and while you hold your ankle and wonder what could feel worse, anxiety kicks you in the gut and while you are hugging yourself from the pain, anxiety will show no remorse or compassion while it proceeds to kicks you in the head. Anxiety doesn’t write rain checks. It is always ready for purchase, even when the account has a zero balance.

When I post that perfect Instagram picture, just realize that picture represents all these words and a thousand more…

I cope. 

I am healing.

I am working on myself. 

Anxiety isn’t laziness; it doesn’t care if I care. It doesn’t complete an assessment to determine its path of destruction. It just comes, as an unsuspecting setback and it sucks the life out of you and tries to defeat you in the ring.

Depending on how I view myself…

I choose to let it go.

OR

I just hold on for dear life and hope it doesn’t wipe me out.

The real message:

Recovery from trauma is possible.

It is strengthened by relational resiliency, so when we fall down, we have to ask for help. And when the tears come, it feels good to have people in OUR corner. I am thankful for the compassionate people in my life that have supported me during every single battle round and kept me from complete defeat. I am surviving, thriving and arriving because I am working on my growth strategy and you can too.

I strive to lead with purpose & seek to fulfill my soul-inspired mission by helping others affirm and celebrate their journey forward.

In closing, I clearly have rough moments but I am okay. Those tough moments are opportunities to be refined, but they don’t define me!

But please check on that one friend…who you know is struggling but may not want anyone to know…

CLOSING QUESTION:

  1. How honest are you with yourself and others about your anxiety?
  2. How do you cope with your anxiety?
  3. Will you commit yourself to journaling or meditating to ease your anxiety?

Closing Affirmation:

Anxiety happens but don’t let it deter you from living your best life. And a better life may feel different a year from now, but just start with today.

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Kimberly C. Rhyan is a former foster youth and speaker/trainer/consultant who inspires/empowers foster parents, caseworkers, supporters, educators, and foster care youth/alumni to step into their future better prepared to facilitate/achieve foster youth’s successes. Please contact kimberly.c.rhyan@gmail.com in regard to booking your next event and/or consulting services.

Make it Happen: Action + Reflection = Change

This year, I decided to choose a mission word for 2019. My word is action because dreaming big is just the beginning, but change requires so much more than a great idea.  We need a plan for action with results… No matter if we are 14 or 41….

Every month, I am going to complete #soulinspiredchallenges and make my goals a reality. I have chosen “action” as my mission because I want to demonstrate what can happen when you fully believe in yourself.

I am a former foster youth, survivor, warrior, and single parent. My story is about overcoming but it is also a story of choices – I choose not to be limited by failure. Throughout my life, I have struggled with self-belief and making the best choices.

Self-belief is the ability to visualize my potential instead of focusing on the pain of my past. Self-belief allows me to live and fulfill my passion and purpose.

Early on in my journey, I rarely opened up in relationships, mostly because I over analyzed and started to think that if I was completely honest, I would get hurt. In the past, I had reservations about being completely authentic because my fear would seem to get the best of me. I would retreat and let self-doubt take over. My anxiety told me that something would go inevitably wrong. Relationships were unsuccessful because it was easier to brainstorm all the things that could possibly go wrong than all the ways it could go absolutely right. I knew my disbelief kept me stuck when I knew I had every right to be free.

Why didn’t I self-correct? Why didn’t I try harder to become less defensive? Over time, I learned that relationships are hard work, but most of all, they just need trust, time and patience to grow. Action is required to progress and propel ourselves forward. This is for sure- we are constantly in flux.

I have found myself on the fringe,  and almost given up entirely, resigning myself to my setbacks. Fortunately, I eventually self-corrected and chose transformation. I emerged stronger and more determined to succeed.  I learned to overcome my fears. It didn’t happen naturally. It was difficult because I had to acknowledge my flaws and change my focus.

The irony is that I was hindering my own evolution because I  was fighting the woman I “could have become” if I hadn’t failed myself and others. It took me a while to realize that we have capacity for healing… There is not a special code for breaking through your pain to get to your purpose. Sometimes purpose is revealed in the pain. I have failed countless times in relationships because I built walls of steel or wore my heart on my sleeve.

Guess what? A few people actually stuck around to reveal unconditional and unrelenting acceptance. I have been fortunate to experience relationships that flourished because of compassion and grace. Thanks to them, I can write these paragraphs.

I have battled my insignificance and learned that my flaws are not a death sentence but an awakening to my own discovery. I am much more on my way to experiencing freedom than staying imprisoned by fear and anxiety. In the past, my fear of abandonment latched onto small indiscriminate facts and turned themselves into novels within seconds. These moments translated into self-hate.  I didn’t even realize I was struggling because I was in survival mode. I felt numb while trying to cope with loss after loss. I wasn’t living like my life mattered…and I was only susceptible to more ache and loss. I finally made changes in my life. . .

My Mantra.

Every day.

I will understand my value

In this world

and take action.

I will practice-

Self-care.

Mentoring.

Therapy.

Journaling.

Positive self-talk.

Forgiveness.

Self-acceptance.

I understand my value

in this world and 

 will love myself

Every day.

This journey affords many lessons to be cultivated- remnants of the previous seasons exist to provide my life with lessons not to be taken for granted.  I am very much that lotus in muddied waters. I am surviving and learning to thrive as a warrior.  I want to make a difference and  keep growing and expanding my understanding of myself and others. I want to show compassion and grace, but in reality – I need to offer myself compassion and grace each day.

I will live intentionally and take action. I embrace my full worth and will keep stepping into my future because I know hope through resiliency.

Finally, I am not ashamed  of my past. I claim my recovery.  I affirm how my action and/or inaction determine the outcomes for my life. There is a promise hidden in the muck, a pearl of wisdom waiting to be grasped-  Our trauma does not have to hold us back, if we understand how our healing can move us forward.

This year, I will be posting  #soulinspiredchallenges via @soulinspiredkcr

(Facebook, Instagram and twitter)

You are invited to follow me and take action in your own life. Together, we can make it happen!

#actionplusreflectionequalschange

#makeithappen

#yougotthis

#nevergiveup

#soulinspiredchallenges

#nomudnolotus

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