Over the past 48 hours, I have seen some posts comparing 2022 to a new flight. The following memories flooded the timeline of my heart-
When I was a kid, my grandmother would play this Flight Final album every time I spent the night. She was a very faithful Nazarene/Christian.
This record tells a story of taking a flight and talks about being ready (or not ready) for death. As a kid, the narrative/message puzzled me more than it scared me.
I was already fearful of this life, because I was sexually abused from 11-14. I questioned God more than I believed, and my doubt was built upon fear of being abused daily and nightly. It was my step-father’s abuse and my mother’s lack of action to defend me that convinced me to question God’s love.
I remember when I was 13 and I experienced a conversion and testified as a believer. I cried at the church alter but didn’t whisper a word about my abuse. My belief was centered around being saved from my abuser(s).
I prayed for God to rescue me. My heart hoped but my life didn’t change for 7 months. I prayed & was violated within the same breadth.
Later, it was a youth pastor that reported my abuse to the police. I was placed in foster care and my prayers changed from being rescued to reunification with my siblings, which happened once. I found protection but peace was missing.
My heart always felt broken, but yearned for healing. I prayerfully searched for peace but I was emotionally wounded and scarred. I played charades, pretending to be fine when I was actually harmed. So when I became a Christian, I learned to be “fine,” when I was still hurting inside. It was easier to profess than progress wholly forward.
I knew love because of my grandmother. I felt God’s love through her hands. I knew she wanted to prepare my heart. I know she prayed for me, to the day & hour she left this earth on her own final flight.
In my forties, I search for understanding, not out of fear, but from hope that was cultivated from my grandmother’s prayers. I am not detoured but seeking & learning.
May we each live with purpose & authentically progress to grow & heal during 2022.