So…why a lotus? Since my arrival into this world, my beginning was a struggle of survival. My parents divorced when I was just a baby. My dad was just gone. My mother was present but gone from my sight. She was addicted to drugs and abusive men. Trauma was my building blocks and it would impact my ability to speak and learn.
My beginning was planted in mud. I went into fostercare but my mother got me back. I had a speech impediment and dyslexia. My struggle to communicate was burried deep within a struggle. My adolescence was turbulent and filled with detachment; I was molested and endangered. My mother chose to stay with my abuser while she let me go. She said, “Do not ask me to choose because I will always choose my husband over you. You see, I love him.”
Muddy waters was my home but it somehow provided what I needed to stay alive. My existence was harbored between angst and disgust. But there was just one place that I felt safe; between the pages of a book, I could be transported anywhere, with anyone. My love for books evolved into a love of writing. My closest confident was found between the lines on notebook paper, essentially my journal became my mother. I would fill page after page and begin to dig deep into my emotions and reasons for existence. I would figure out my purpose and begin to dream about my future. I would give my self pep talks and write that my life mattered. This writing practice and relationship with pen and paper provided me with the ability to endure; no matter what obstacle I would wrestle with throughout my life, I knew that as long as I believed I could make it, I would.
Ultimately, I would grow up being a writer as I began a lifelong conversation with my Creator. Writing gave me the ability to lasso hope; beyond counseling and living out my faith, writing was my tried and true method to coping with abuse and fear. Throughout my life, writing has kept me grounded and self-aware in determination to keep pushing through every battle. I choose to be authentic and open through my survivorship because vulnerability gives permission for others to see and feel what I see and feel, while learning to become each and every day.
As a survivor and lotus, I am fully aware that I came into existence for a purpose and that is to let others know that life is messy, heartbreaking, and painful but it is also beautiful, healing and joyful.
Writing is the process of knowing my greater purpose and fulfilling my destiny through self-discovery. I am becoming through education, action, and reflection. I teach and write about life’s lessons because I have the unique opportunity to help others understand their own journey of transformation too. #nomudnolotus